The other side of my Saturn return

kintsuroi

Every 29-ish years Saturn gets back to the same part of the zodiac as it was when you were born. Symbolically, Saturn is the planet of scarcity, of structure, restrictions, hard learning. Saturn is the disciplinarian, the devil, the shadow.  Saturnian characters appear in almost every story as villains, as domineering parents, as strict school masters, and often, as the people who teach us the most important lessons. When I first heard about Saturn returns I was terrified. I was expecting a lot of awfulness and perhaps, if I survived it I would come out more awesome afterwards.  Later on, my friend Roy told me “Nah, Saturn returns are great – they are the time in your life when you get to let go of all the messages about who you’re supposed to be -from society and family – and decide who you really are.” That sounded much better than just going through hell for potential long-term benefits. I waited with anticipation.

My experience has felt a lot like being hand-washed by a powerful woman in the olden days – in a very rough fashion – like my psyche has been scrubbed and rung out over and over. But Saturn manifests in many different ways, a lot of it comes down to which sign and house Saturn is in. For people born the year before me, with Saturn in Libra, when I ask about their 29th year, a lot of them say it wasn’t all that bad, (Saturn is exalted in Libra) but when I ask if they went through massive changes in relationships and relating, whether they have been doing a lot of work to balance their lives and other Saturn-Libra things they generally agree with urgency and zest: “Yes! That was when my major relationship broke up and I went travelling” etc.

Saturn in Scorpio is a whole different ball game. Scorpio is intense. I would be surprised to find a 1984 baby out there who hasn’t had a very intense year. Scorpio governs power, money, fears, transformation, sex and all those deep-dark scary parts of ourselves. Saturn in Scorpio will bring up everyone’s fears around intimacy and security, but if it happens to be in a major transit for you, it will be a lot more intense.  All of those things you’ve been running from, well, here they are. Deal.

How a Saturn return manifests will also relate to where Saturn is in your chart. Mine is in the 5th house: the party house. A few years ago I started going to a local transformational festival (Kiwiburn, New Zealand’s regional Burning Man event) and realised that partying and having fun is quite a hard thing for me to do (natal Saturn in the 5th). I want to be serious, I want to do soul-work. Why is everyone getting drunk and talking shmack? Facing the tensions and paradoxes is all part of doing the work. My Saturn return started in January last year, right in the middle of the festival. It was the first time I had worked (volunteered) to manage part of the festival and it was hard work. I got completely burn out. I loved it, but it took me all year to recover, to decompress. A couple of months later Saturn retrograded back over 10 degrees of Scorpio and my natal Saturn and everything in my life was brought into question especially things relating structure, freedom and security, and personal attachments as well. I have been journaling every day (for the first time ever), processing, processing, letting go…

Saturn went direct again, as it does, and crossed over 10 degrees precisely as I was attending another burn, this time in Australia. Burning Seed was also incredibly intense. Pressure built up and up. I had a fantastic time and several terrifying experiences. At one point I tripped over a fallen tree which was hidden in long grass. It is quite scary being in a forest in a country that has spiders and snakes when you come from a place like New Zealand. I had this weird bump on my knee and it was bleeding, so I went to the medics and was told by a volunteer that I had probably been bitten by something: cue panic attack. She assured me it was probably just a spider: JUST a SPIDER? It occurred to me then that this was very appropriate of Saturn in Scorpio, while I struggled to breath in a normal way. A few minutes later the actual medic turned up and looked at my wound, “Aw, did you fall over and bang your knee?” I nodded, feeling very silly and very relieved. The fifth house is also about creativity. I’m also doing a PhD and writing novels. Everything finally make sense.

Doing the work of Saturn in Scorpio involves facing and working through all those issues around fear and power, and because it’s Saturn, the best way to do it is through embracing structure. For me it has been through yoga and journaling, and just recently, through eating what my body really wants to eat (no processed crap, no grains). It has also meant embracing the structure imposed on me by having a child in school. My day has a very definitive routine. While this all might sound boring, I have never been a structured, disciplined person in my life, so I’m in awe. I have resisted structure because I’ve always resisted what I was told to do – reacting to the messages from society and family, rather than really figuring out what I wanted and working towards that. I feel like I’m free of the pattern of desperately trying to be free. I also feel like I’ve resolved my childhood trauma – the thing I’ve been trying to do my whole life – and like I’m not wounded and broken anymore. Freaky.

So there is light at the end of the tunnel if you do the work, and despite being a masterful procrastinator, I have been doing the work. Apparently if you don’t resolve your Saturn stuff in your first return it will come back with a vengeance in 29 years time. Good luck.

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7 thoughts on “The other side of my Saturn return

  1. I like your personal style of writing embodying deep content about Saturn in Scorpio. I have a Saturn in Cancer that sounds like it is in trine to yours, Saturn in Cancer having different issues but I did mine while also in a graduate school program with children forcing me to structure my life. Sounds like you are doing the work for Saturn in Scorpio- its great you are journaling, doing yoga, and changing your diet.

    • I imagine Saturn in Cancer would bring up all kinds of parental issues – from all different angles on all different levels. Saturn, the father and Cancer, the mother is traditional although their occupying houses are often the opposite. I suppose both parents can take on nurturing and disciplinarian roles. I also imagine your home life and work – paid or unpaid – would be challenged and restructured. What house in your chart was being transited? Yoga, journalling and good food are always the best things 🙂

      • Yes, lots of parental issues. I was a young parent at the time, my daughters were about six months to a year (my younger one, for my exact degree return), and three to four years old (my older one). When Saturn finally left Cancer they were more like 2 and 5 years old. I especially learned a lot about my mother and her childhood and then how all of this impacted me at this time. also came into realization about my father more from becoming a parent myself.

        My Cancer Saturn is in my first house and is very intense (in a t-squre with Aries Ceres/Libra Pluto and it is the apex of a yod with Aquarius Mars and Sagitarius Neptune- totally being set off right now by Pluto in transit, opposing my saturn). I gained a Master in Teaching at my return, which required me to change the way I present myself to the world- getting up in front of people to just speak and talk was a huge challenge for me, let alone be a teacher. So there was tremendous growth. At the moment I am still a teacher as far as my paid professional work goes.

      • Saturn in Cancer in the first house. That sounds like the perfect placement for a teacher. You embody Saturn, in a way, in all her wisdom and structure. I have a wonderful Saturnian therapist at the moment. She has been very very good for me during this crazy time in my life.

  2. yeah transformational festivals… I mentioned to you in the Depot one perspective I have on the burns as Bacchanalias, but I am also seeing them now as excellent ground for Buddhist practice. I might right a blog post about the yanas of a burn…

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